The Check-In

We have created the “check-in” so that our partners don’t feel the need to “check-up”. In relationships there are boundaries. These boundaries must remain respectful and comfortable for both parties. Now we’ve all experienced or witnessed the badgering questions; “Where are you?” “Who are you with?” “What are you doing?” “How late will you be?” “Why are you with them?” “When did you decide that?” And this type of interrogation can often lead to a bit of resentment, so we have created an alternate channel to keep respect and comfort in tact – “The check-in.”

                In this scenario, the person who is out and about makes the call or sends the text, “Hey sweetie, just finished dinner now headed out for drinks. Love you xx” This way the person who is at home doesn’t need to be ‘bad cop’ and slam their hands on the table throughout the interrogation. It appears as if the caller is volunteering this information freely with a little, “I’m still thinking about you!” attitude, making the partner at home comfortable and satisfied. Truthfully, there is still a little bit of, “I better send this text or else I’ll hear about it later.” in there.

                Each of these options is as bad as the other, since the person going out feels as if they will get punished if they do not comply. In the ideal world I would suggest a mutual respect within a relationship, where you understand that the rules change upon entering said relationship. You are no longer completely an individual; however you are also not completely enmeshed. Social plans with other couples will become a big thing, as will making plans together. However, that time away from each other to be with friends (maybe without the constant check-ins and with trust) is key.

Friendship Level-Jumping

               Have you ever met someone out, or had an extra friendly waiter/salesperson, who seems to really take a liking to you? By the end of your encounter they’re already calling you ‘bestie’ or asking you for relationship advice after divulging entirely too much information. Are you giving these people the wrong idea, or is it habitual?

                From what I have observed, these people are repeat offenders, almost having a compulsive need to be liked by anyone and everyone they encounter. What a brutal way to live; going day to day trying to impress everyone you meet, wanting, needing them to like you as a person for no reason whatsoever. We all have friends like this (probably the ones that complained when you shifted them in your MySpace ‘Top 8’), and we have all had occasions when we have met strangers like this – but are they aware of how they live?

                Individuals who live with a constant need for external validation must be in a constant state of anxiety, just wondering, “Does this person like me?” “What can I do to make them like me?” “What can I buy them?” “I’m so mad/disappointed in myself, I don’t think they like me as much as I like them.” It has to be torturous. To be in a constant state of uncertainty not only about yourself, but about how others perceive you.

                Typically, when we start a new friendship we open up layer by layer slowly but surely until we get to our core – see The Onion Metaphor. But in this case, we see someone stripping right to the core without warning, overwhelming to the recipient of all the uninhibited and unasked for personal information. This can create a strange dynamic between the two involved in this relationship, regardless of the intentions. This strange dynamic can start a long and brutal cycle.

                So we have discussed that these individuals need validation. So once they freak you out a little bit with their info-dump upon first meeting, you may become slightly stand-offish. They can obviously sense this, leading to heightened anxiety and an increased need for validation – causing them to reach out harder and harder, consequently forcing you to become more and more distant. It’s not pretty.

                Of course, there are exceptions! Some people do the whole ‘bestie’ thing from day one and it sticks – but we get vibes from people, share their energy, their passion, their personality, and we just know we like them (romantically or platonically). We will talk about that another time..

Inspiration

              “I find it so hard to find inspiration.” I had no idea how to respond to that and for over a week now I have thought about how someone could say that. The person that said this to me lives in the first world. Here in this fairytale world we often think we have problems, we’re facing darkness, everything is hopeless, inspiration is rare. What a misjudgment! We are so spoiled that some of us have become desensitized to the beauty that surrounds us and should inspire us on a day to day basis! Look at the moon – people have walked on that!

                Sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. I am lucky enough to possess all five of these senses, although just one would provide infinite inspiration.

                When we wake up in the morning, sometimes we are fortunate enough to remember our dreams. Whether they are good or bad, we become them. For a few hours we live in a world where quite literally anything can happen. We dream up stories, colors, sounds, manifestations of our unconscious. We take on our deepest fears, and have our most intimate desires fulfilled. All of this before we even open our eyes. After this miraculous fantasy, we take our first conscious breath of the day.

                Many of us go for that cup of coffee as a ‘pick-me-up’ first thing in the morning. We get a glorious kick from a beverage that literally makes us feel like we are ready to take on the day. This beverage comes with the taste and smell of a foreign land. Brazil, Vietnam, Colombia, Indonesia, Ethiopia, India. It could come from anywhere depending on what you’re drinking. What a marvelous thought!

                Outside we see the sky, depending on the time and the weather it could be any number of colors. Sunrise can make the clouds look like flames falling from the heavens. It can look like beams of light slowly illuminating the darkness we dreamed throughout. It can take the form of a floral pattern bouncing from one cloud to the next. A little later and the sky can be sapphire blue or charcoal gray. It can be infinitely clear, or clouds can fill the sky. Each cloud as divergent as they are parallel, we can interpret the shapes they form.

                If we close our eyes the clouds remain abstract. We hear the birds chirp, the dogs bark, the traffic busying the streets. We smell the fresh air, the cut grass, the dew covering the ground. We feel the sunshine on our skin, we feel the rain fall, we feel the ground we walk on. Each step a different platform, cracks in the concrete texturing our journey. Our environment has character, as do our peers – we can learn from it all. Everything we see is art. Rural or urban, our landscape is picturesque. Everyday a unique vision from a common position. Book covers, book pages, photos, ads, graffiti, architecture, piercings, tattoos, language – can you find no inspiration in our world of privilege? Those buildings, those books, those lights, that art – somebody had to dream about it first.

                Each person we meet, see, or hear about is unique. We can be inspired to simulate acts of kindness or avoid acts of evil. We witness as people bring various things into this world with diverse skillsets. Others can help us discover what we have to offer. We can help others discover what they have to offer, willing or unwillingly, knowing or unknowingly. Individually, as a society, we have the power to inspire and the option to be inspired. The only way to avoid inspiration is to refuse to acknowledge it.

                The English alphabet has only 26 letters. I just used them in a combination you had never seen before to bring you this post. One glance at this page and you are inside my mind. I’m speaking to you clearly, carefully, silently inside your head, directly to you. My vision, inspired by a comment I heard over a week ago. Inspiration is abundant.

Expectation Vs Reality

                I have previously posted about what I call ‘The HollywoodEffect’ where we develop false expectations based on what we see in movies and television. Since that post in early 2011, not much has changed. Although, from what I’ve seen - circumstance doesn’t matter anymore. Regardless of who we are seeing, how long we have been seeing them for, and most importantly – the foreseeable, inevitable end date, we still seem to be expecting an unrealistic level of commitment, future, or promise.

                Understandably, people have individual preferences when it comes to starting something up with someone new. Some people only see one person at a time; some see many until one gets serious – or sometimes longer. However, sometimes we fail to recognize that our preference is not necessarily the same as whoever we are seeing. Although you may be seeing them and only them because the thought of seeing anyone else at the same time makes you uncomfortable, they may be seeing other people. On the other hand, if you are both only seeing each other when it first gets going, that does not make you exclusive. And you are still not exclusive a few months down the line when you think you have a ‘mutual understanding’. As much as you may think that no conversation is necessary, and ‘making it official’ is ‘childish’, it needs to happen. It is illogical to expect someone to meet you where you are if you never discuss it.

                Contrary to popular belief, it’s not all love at first sight. You don’t walk into someone’s life and become engulfed in it. You need to crawl before you can walk. You don’t get invited to every social function on the other side. You’re not immediately part of the family. You start in the shallow end and swim very, very slowly to the deep end. Not only that, you test the temperature of the pool with your big toe. Rushing/forcing things can lead to added pressure and eventually disappointment.

                Recently I was witness to what may or may not be a unique situation. I have not yet heard of an act like this, nor have I ever experienced it, but please do not hesitate to share if you are familiar with what I am about to describe. Now from what I saw, this was not a new relationship, but it was headed nowhere. Both parties were aware of this – or so I thought. The fling evidently brought forth some feelings, time was invested, and gifts were bought. Not a problem – unless someone thinks they have wasted their time. You see, you can’t take time back; it’s an irreversible manifestation of the progression of existence. But what you can take back (if you’re petty), is the gifts you have given throughout the time you have spent together. But for what (other than to prove a point)? A gift is not a conditional investment. It is a kind gesture. Once you give a gift, the person who receives it does not owe you anything. That’s not how gifts work. But hey, if you want the stuff back, go ahead and ask for it, we’re all adults here. That is until you get your friend to send a text asking for your shit back. Unfathomable! Emotions may have been running high here, so I’m blaming the friend. A little too much girl power in the room was there? “Yeah! Text him! Get your shit back! Fuck it! I’ll text him for you!” No, no, no, that is not what a good friend says. A good friend informs you that maybe that isn’t such a good idea, maybe you should just leave it, at the very worst you should text him yourself. O, shitty friend, for shame!

                In my eyes, irreversible damage has been done here. A very poor attempt at a power move has been made. Obviously a fail. If nothing else it would be an embarrassment to show face after a performance like this. Making a big deal out of the end of what is essentially a nothing relationship when you stop and look at the facts is a waste of time and energy. Accept what it is for what it is. You’ll know when it’s something else. If it all feels cryptic, clear it up. It can only go two ways. Simplify what you’re doing before you accidentally ask for gift refunds. Have realistic expectations, take your time, find out where each other are at. 100.

ad VS. ity

Crack. A bus crashes into my ribcage.
Thud. A sledgehammer runs through my stomach.
Bang. A wrecking ball demolishes my eye socket.
I’ve been in pain before, but not like this. This is superhuman. Extraterrestrial.
I’ve lost fights. This isn’t a fight. This is getting hit by a freight train. Twice.
Is it pride or stupidity? I don’t know, but fuck it, I keep getting up.
Each time I stand is another brilliant mistake.
I can’t even see what’s hitting me anymore. I’m focused on my breath.
In… Out…
Each breath is a punch to the guts,
But the delicious taste of survival
The last ounces of strength I have barely get me off the ground.
As I wobble around wondering where the next hit will come from I smile.
My mouth full of that warm, iron syrup. I can’t help but smile.
I feel the frustration radiating towards me. How is he still standing?
I sense the confusion, the defeat. The next hit never comes.
How did I wind up here? Doesn’t matter.
I’m still standing.

Watching with my eyes closed.

I sit here and I watch
I watch intently and I soak up everything I can,
But unlike a sponge, the more I absorb, the drier I become.
The more I witness, the less I can confirm.
I watch you make choices,
Consciously, unconsciously.
I watch as you misprioritize your life
And you self-destruct for my eyes,
Before my eyes.
I watch as your reflection distracts you from your soul.
Lack of direction confuses me.
To you my perplexion is an ignorant energy.
To me, decisions don’t need to be made right now,
But choices can be recognized.
There is more to be offered than what can be placed in hand;
Manifestations of thought and sound – now that’s a gift.
Everything is mindful, even mindlessness.
Go figure. There is a level which we all share.
I can observe as much as I like, but I’ll never see it.
I shall feel though, oh how I’ll feel!

Pet Peeve #44 – Noisy Eaters

               Whyyyyyyy can I hear every single one of your mouth movements? Crunchy food makes sense, it’s entitled to a little bit of volume. But someone needs to explain to me how in the world I can know you’re eating yoghurt when you haven’t told me you are, and I’m not looking at you. What is that? Are you slurping with your mouth closed? And quit all that smacking in my ear! That’s how dogs eat. Your whole mouth doesn’t need to open and shut to consume every mouthful; I know you learnt better than that.

                There are a few foods that can get stuck in your teeth, a pain to get out without floss. But just because we all know about it, does not make it acceptable to start sucking steak out of your teeth while others are still eating. Good God, that makes my stomach turn! This is basic stuff people, we need to turn this around – it’s ruining the dining experience.