The Search

            “Clay, why don’t you ever write anymore? You should bring your blog back, that shit was hilarious!”

           Yeah, I could continue writing about my pet peeves and going on mildly sexist rants about relationships, and I might – give the people what they want, right? But what my writing has been missing is something that I feel that I myself have been missing; substance.

            My basketball journey has been long. It has been hard work. It has taken hours of dedication and sacrifice. It has taken its toll on me both physically and mentally. It has taken over my identity, and finally I’m starting to build myself into Claybrin McMath the person, rather than Claybrin McMath the basketball player.

            Now don’t get it twisted – I still love the game and I’m not ready to give up on my dream, I’m just ready to talk about how my mindset has changed from a bright-eyed 13 year old, to my 25 year old present self.

            I was born with a ball in my hand, taking after Dad from the jump. I had dreams of the NBA! Until I was 13 I was hesitant to play club basketball. A shy kid that got bullied in school, the thought of having to meet new people gave me anxiety. But eventually I realized that I wasn’t going to get any better if I didn’t join a more structured program, so I joined the Sturt Sabres. The coaches there developed my game quickly, my teammates were accepting, and we were successful. My love and appreciation of the game blossomed. All I watched was basketball. When it was nice out, I would shoot hoops. When it was raining, I would shoot hoops. I would only play basketball video games. Basketball consumed me. It was my first love.

            Basketball gave me an education, it took me to five different countries, I have met amazing people, and experienced some things that a lot of people will never have the chance to appreciate. Although while I was experiencing all of those incredible things; my identity became a sport. I was inspired by and obsessed with basketball. Basketball was who I had become.

            It was only recently that I realized that the identity I developed through basketball had taken over everything else that I was. That I am. I am so invested in this game, it dictates my decisions, my actions, my thoughts, my dreams, my relationships, my emotions, my entire life. Is it everything to become a pro? Something I never actively asked myself until the beginning of this year. The answer is no, but it is still a goal I wish to achieve. I still have a burning desire to be the best I can be. I still have the untamable will to compete. I still have the love and the passion that I was born with. But I have experienced some new things too; disappointment, adversity, and resentment.

            I have gone through losing seasons that I had only ever heard or read about. I have performed poorly. I have gone through a number of injuries and comebacks. I have missed out on making teams. I have sat on the bench for entire games. But it was my love for the game that always brought me back to practice the next day, or even that same night.

            I have given the game everything and I have sacrificed so much, that there are times that I feel like the games not giving back. This is where my resentment of the game comes in. I had never felt anything like it until I had a second tough year in college. I felt like I gave everything I had to this game and was getting nothing in return, “You’re getting a free education.” I would remind myself. But it wasn’t free; it had cost me my pride and happiness at that point. I was mad at basketball for taking that from me, but I was madder at myself for giving it away. And now? Now I’m ashamed of myself for being ungrateful for the chance I was even given, and for not allowing myself to be more than a sport for twenty-five years.

            Now that college is over and money is involved, I place that little extra bit of pressure on myself. Allowing that external incentive to become internal impacted my performance negatively, quickly and noticeably. When this happened for a few games in a row, I became stressed and began to really think about what I do and where it really sits in the big scheme of things. I get paid to do what I love! Whether I get another contract or not for the next season is not a factor. Right now, today, that is what I do and I’m grateful for that. Once I de-stressed, took a step back and looked at my situation from the outside, I noticed a lot more about myself. Other passions of mine started to become more important. At the age of twenty-five my personality developed through the athletic ceiling I had previously placed upon it.

            Once I came to the realization that I was seeing the game as a business more than I was seeing it as a passion, I had to make a change. I changed how I viewed myself, and how I viewed the game. I changed how I viewed my experiences and my capabilities. I changed how I viewed my past, present, and future. And by looking at all of this differently – I learned who Claybrin McMath really is.